The list

I'm having a heck of a time finding a place where I feel a fit at church these days. There are many people there who love me very much, and I love them in return. Yet I'm not sure they totally 100% love the real me, or just the orthodox part of me that I'm willing and brave enough to show on Sundays and Wednesdays.

While I'd like to think I have enough grace to love all parts of their souls and lives, even their flaws, they surely wear the same facade of righteousness just to play it safe. And so we go on, week after week, loving each other which is the easiest thing in the world, because really, the only parts of ourselves that we show are very lovable!

This topic came up recently in our Wednesday night discussion group, and it turned into one of those open windows where I took a bit of a chance to see what would happen.

Classmate: I think our church is an open place, and the members are open with one another. We share our lives.
Me: I don't think that's true.
Classmate: What do you mean?
Me: I think most of our lives, especially the struggles, are almost completely hidden from our church friends. Take divorce, for example. At least five couples in our group have been separated and divorced over the past few years, and none of us saw it coming. Because they never opened up to any of us about the problems in their marriage. For all I know many of you are having those types of struggles right now. Or maybe Jamie and I am. But the history shows that you'd never know and we don't talk about it here.
Classmate: What can we do about that, though? If they don't choose to be honest and share their lives, how can we know if they need help?
Me: That's just the thing -- I think we've created an environment that makes it almost impossible to be honest about these things. It's like there's a list of sins or problems that we're not allowed to talk about at church.
Classmate: (Challenging) Give me an example.
Me: Let's start with sex, since it's probably the easiest and most obvious. Do you think there are men in this church who struggle with lust, pornography and adultery?
Classmate: Probably.
Me: No probably, I guarantee it. With more than 1,000 members in this church, I guarantee you that there are triple-digit numbers of guys wrestling with pornography. I'm one of them, but it never gets talked about here.
Female classmate: (confused) Triple digits?
Me: At least 100 guys. Sexual temptation and struggle is almost written into our DNA, but after more than 30 years attending church I can't think of a single time I personally witnessed a man testify to his struggle with sexuality. We don't talk about it, and that silence makes it seem that nobody is having this problem. So 100 guys are left to feel alone with no support system until the problem grows large enough for painful consequences to set in.
Classmate: Okay, I see what you're saying. Are there more things on this list?
Me: Substance abuse, greed/stealing, addictions of various types. How many times have any of you seen a public or even classroom/group setting where a person confessed to one of these things? The only struggles that seem to be okay to discuss at church are depression, joblessness, and "not living better for Jesus". Meanwhile we wrestle with all of these other very real issues on our own.
Classmate: But what would change that?
Me: Somebody would have to be very brave and step out in trust that they could talk about this type of thing in vulnerable confession, and that the group would respond in love. If it worked, it might make it easier for the second person to come forward. If not, then we'd prove we aren't a safe place to come with problems, and we can forget about getting deeper than the happy-looking surface level in this building. I think it's tragic, and that Jesus would say this is a place for the sick and the hurting. How sad that this is the last place people want to bring their real problems.

When this was over, four different guys came up to me after class to talk privately and say this felt more "real" than anything they'd experienced at church in a long time. Another guy called me on his cell phone as he was driving home.

I'm 34 years old and have still never had a close enough friend whom I felt I could trust with tough problems. Perhaps more importantly, I haven't been the kind of friend to anyone in a way that would let them trust me with their own struggles.

No, I'm not in some kind of personal crisis mode right now. My crisis was systemic, looking at the church and not seeing it as a place where my generation can come together with their whole selves.

And I fear that if that doesn't change, there won't be much of a church left for my grandkids. If that's the case, I hope that there's some other support system of friends and loved ones who can help them when the time comes.

Difference between girls and boys, in pictures

Samantha at eight years old is the eldest of our clan, and with that comes certain responsibilities and expectations (I should know, since I'm also a firstborn).

She lives up to them beautifully, and for most of her eight years has displayed a fondness for pleasing her parents and heeding instructions. At school, her teachers say she is 100% "on" every minute of every day, making sure to follow all the rules.

Our two boys? Not as much.

I present the evidence.

Two years ago, Samantha is looking at our photographer friend Paula while the rest of us are goofing around:

This Christmas, Samantha again looking at the photographer while the boys scramble to chase whatever shiny object has their eye:

And it's not just a group setting phenomenon -- Samantha will pose beautifully all by herself if you want to snap a photo.

The boys, on the other hand...

Here's one of Jack's recents poses:



Baby Luke punching me in the face instead of posing for picture:

I rest my case.

Battle of good and evil

We are to love each other, right? It's one of Jesus' greatest commands ("love your neighbor as yourself"). But is there ever a time, place or target where our most noble emotion could be hate, and our most noble action would be to attack?

If that's ever true, then I would guess a Christian to answer it is when we are directly fighting evil itself. In the 21st Century we don't always know how to label something as 100% evil, but we look back on the past and claim that some people (Hitler, Manson) or actions (genocide, murder) may qualify.

If we go back farther, though, to New Testament writings, we see that Jesus and his disciples encountered demons during their ministries. Demons! Surely if anything was to qualify as 100% evil, then it has to be these direct servants of Satan.

One of these encounters was recorded in the book of Mark (Chapter 5) with a demon called "Legion". But instead of Jesus battling this evil spirit with aggresiveness and attack, he does three amazingly graceful things:

1) Asks for the demon's name. This isn't to gain power over Legion -- it was already established that Jesus had that power without needing to know the demon's name.

2) Grants Legion's request that he not be cast out into "the pit". We're not sure what that means, but it didn't sound good, and Jesus spared Legion that fate.

3) Grants Legion a second request, that he be cast into a herd of pigs.

Why would Jesus show kindness and grace to a demon? Is there any possible advantage to be gained by this, or any possible different fate for Legion? Does a demon retain the hope of changing sides?

And applying to today, if Jesus showed kindness to a demon, exactly when do we have license to be angry and vengeful in the name of fighting evil?

My ten favorite movie viewings from 2010

With three young kids at home, Jamie and I don't get out much. And when we do, it's usually not to sit in the dark and be quiet to watch a movie in the theaters. So of my 10 favorite movie viewings for this year, only two of them were at the theater! The rest were on DVD thanks to Netflix, which is a great source of entertainment and education for us.


Without further ado, my top 10 viewings from this year, in ascending order, and with a sample quote from each:


10) American Splendor (2003) -- a biopic about Harvey Pekar, a regular Joe file clerk who got a short stint of fame in the 80s as a comic book author, and made multiple appearances on Letterman. The coolest thing about this movie was the style: part movie, part documentary, part animated film and it all blended together in exactly the right tone to sum up a very interesting man.

Quote: "We are going to get through this. I understand illness. I know how to handle these things."

9) Avatar (2009) -- we saw this one at the movies (in 3D, no less!) in January and loved the experience. Yes, the story is copied from dozens of other tales, but we got caught up in its magic, its setting, and its heart.

Quote: "It is decided. My daughter will teach you our ways. Learn well, "Jakesully", and we will see if your insanity can be cured. "

8) Doubt (2008) -- perfect title to a movie that causes you to wonder which side to be on, which characters to root for, and in the end answers none of it. It's not your typical Hollywood tale wrapped up with a bow on it with comfortable closure, but it's powerhouse acting that touches on themes such as theology, sexuality, trust and power.

Quote: "Doubt can be a bond as powerful and sustaining as certainty. When you are lost, you are not alone. "

7) Eastern Promises (2007) -- if you'd never seen Viggo Mortensen before as an actor, you'd never believe he wasn't actually a Russian tough guy after seeing this film. It's typical Cronenberg style and the story arc is almost identical to a previous film also starring Viggo (History of Violence). But it's his total immersion in this deep and conflicted character that sticks with me months after seeing it.

Quote: "Sentimental value? Ah. I heard of that. "

6) Michael Clayton (2007) -- a real grown-up tale of corporate/legal warfare, family dysfunction and a man who's lost his place in the world. Only one small explosion in the whole thing but it carried more weight than 1,000 Michael Bay-directed bombs. The final scenes are filled with palpable tension and a conclusion that is both satisfying and makes us wish for a sequel.

Quote: "Uncle Timmy- and I mean this- on his best day, he was never as tough as you. And I'm not talking about crying or the drugs. I'm talking about in his heart. You understand me? "

5) O Brother Where Art Thou (2000) -- an exact and hilarious homage to Homer's The Odyssey, with enough catchy music in it to fill your head for months. The only downside is that it sorta felt like a combination of great scenes instead of a cohesive movie, but this is often what you get with the Coen brothers' work.

Quote: "That's not the issue Delmar. Even if that did put you square with the Lord, the State of Mississippi's a little more hard-nosed. "

4) How to Train Your Dragon (2010) -- My other theater viewing for the year, in a daddy/daughter date with Samantha. The amazing effects and visuals were only the surface of a surprisingly heartfelt story about believing in yourself, even if it means going against the grain of your community.

Quote: "Everything we know about you guys is wrong. "

3) Angels in America (2003) -- more of a miniseries, this is an HBO-produced translation of the Tony Award-winning play by Tony Kushner. I went to a speech/reading/Q&A by Kushner and he impressed me so much, I had to see some of his work. This one is a wrenching story of AIDS in New York City in the mid-80s, and doesn't take the easy way out with stereotypes for any of its characters.

Quote: "The white cracker who wrote the National Anthem knew what he was doing. He set the word 'free' to a note so high nobody could reach it."

2) Book of Eli (2010) -- big surprise, as I thought this would be a shallow action flick. I found myself connected to the story of a man with a mission, while also empathizing greatly with the "bad guy". And it had my favorite twist ending of the year.

Quote: "In all these years I've been carrying it and reading it every day, I got so caught up in keeping it safe that I forgot to live by what I learned from it."

1) Ink (2009) -- made on a nothing budget by a husband/wife producer and director team, it was the best bang-for-the-buck movie I've probably ever seen. Granted, its narrative lasers directly at a hard-working, career-pulled, spiritually-minded dad like me, and I recognize that. So your opinions might vary if you saw the movie. But it was far and away my favorite of the year, and perhaps the one on this list I'll actually buy. If you decide to give it a try, please be patient with it and understand that as the viewer you're supposed to be lost for a while, and the story gets clearer and clearer as it goes.

Quote: Sorry, the internet wasn't helpful here! I have a few general quotes in my head but they're surely not exact.

Honorable mentions: Persepolis, Zombieland, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Inglorious Basterds

Disappointments: District 9 (good, but overhyped), Surrogates (when will sci-fi movie producers respect our brains again?), Old Dogs (total paycheck-cashing travesty), The Wrestler (good, but did Mickey Rourke really need to act?)

The muse departs

No, the ominous title doesn't mean I'm shutting down the blog or anything!

My previously-intended series of writings were being inspired somewhat by seeing what was happening with one of the leaders in my company. Specifically, he was unfortunately the model of what not to do if you want an inspired, effective group of knowledge workers in a 21st Century business. His decisions and his style of leadership were testing me and forcing me to quickly develop a leadership model of my own.

Recently, with no warning, he resigned from the company. A few days later he sold his house and moved out of state. Apparently we won't even be able to speak for a few more weeks while the legal details of his departure are ironed out. Messy.

I'm still working on the big-picture business topics I was thinking about earlier, but now it's not to answer daily crises.

So once again I have been reminded to quit promising a single blog post, let alone a series of posts!

I'm more of a "flow" writer. When it's there, it's fast and easy. When it's not there, forcing it doesn't work.

Be back soon when the flow is there!