Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Come on in and enjoy the psychosis

Jamie tells me that my mind works in very weird ways. Most of my friends suspect the same, until their assumptions are proven true and then they're no longer my friends. I'm mostly joking here.

My brain is kinda like the zoo -- it's kinda fun to know it's there, and once in a while you might even take a peek inside, but you'd never want to live there.

Many times in conversation with Jamie, we'll have those pauses where the talk just peters out. A few seconds later I'll launch into a new topic, and she usually asks, "How you did you get to this, going from what we just talked about?" I'll walk her through my mental process, and then she'll do the high-eyebrow, "Ooooookay" look before she runs to tell the kids that daddy's gonna be just fine, and to pay no heed to the men in white coats when they arrive.

Yesterday I got stuck in traffic on the road. Here's what I thought about:

  • The Astros game was fun last night! Sure was hot, though. Funny how some of the players wore long sleeves, even in the heat. I heard Troy Smith did that in training camp with the Baltimore Ravens this week. Hmm... why did baseball uniforms become so big and bulky? And why does it seem like the bigger the body, the looser the uniform? Wouldn't those guys want to show off their guns?
  • Ha, I remember Danny Tartabull showing off his man-cannons. His entire batting stance was specifically built around flexing and raising his sleeves. Good times.
  • I was built more like Jim Eisenreich. No flexing there. Skinny and even wore glasses and plastic goggles sometimes, just like me. Or am I thinking of Chris Sabo with the goggles? I don't know. Rec specs, they were called. I hated those things. Didn't Eisenreich also have Tourette's? I never heard of any other athletes with that. Wonder how it was playing with that, and if he could get more leeway with the umpires if he threw out some f-bombs. Snarkleducky!
  • Why is there a billboard sign up here promoting the margaritas at the local restaurant, with a picture of what looks to be a transvestite drinking it? I mean, that's total man-face. Might as well put some mascara on Maury Povich and ask him to hock Fresca.
  • What's up with billboards in general? In Oklahoma and Missouri there were all these religions ones, many of them just saying "JESUS" in white letters on a black background, and nothing else. Is that a promotion for faith, or are they using God's name in vain at me?
  • Why did Missouri have so many billboards for vasectomy reversals? Do they really have middle-aged guys (post-snip) driving down the road and thinking, "Darn, I sure wish there was a doc who would open up my sac and untwist my tubes again so I could have more babies.... whoa! Looky there! Jackpot!"

Jamie interrupts with a phone call to my cell:


Jamie: "Where are you on the road?"

Me: "Just past I-10. I'm about 15 minutes away."

Jamie: "I've gotta get out of here. The kids are insane. We're heading to PetSmart to play with the animals."

Me: "At 5 o'clock on a weekday? And you're going north up 610? The traffic will be terrible."

Jamie: "I don't care. At least they'll be strapped down and I'll have my own seat."


That's when it struck me why it's so hard for many couples to adjust to all the ways their relationship changes when kids arrive on the scene. When we were a DINK couple (Dual Income, No Kids), we both left the office around 5pm, dying to get off the road and into the house. Now at 5pm, Jamie wants nothing more than to get on the road and out of the house.

I'll have to think about that some more.


Roland said...

I understand you

James W said...

Ok, I must be weird as well because I totally followed that conversation in your head.

Hal Johnson said...

Yeah, I pretty much followed along with no problem as well. Should I be worried?

RedWifey said...

Yes, you should all be worried about yourselves! Buncha weirdos! hahahaha!

He actually over dramatized it a bit, something you might never guess about Michael, but it's true!

Luv ya, Babe!

MamaRose said...

Yeah, me too & I'm pretty sure MY MIND goes along those SAME LINES--so, maybe you got PART of your BRILLIANT MIND from me--I'd LOVE to take part of the compliment!!!!

AND, I DO remember those days when you & your brother were the ages of your kids, now & I needed to find a GREAT LADY who 'kept' ya'll for 2 days a week in the afternoons for a couple of hours--just so I could have 'Mommy time'--and, we had NO NAME for that in those days!!!!! So, I TOTALLY 'get' where Jamie's coming from--although, I never tried to run more than 2 errands at a time, because it was SO HARD, physically, to get both of you out of your CAR SEATS--MAN, have they gotten BUNCHES BETTER!!!!!!!!!--even to where Sam can get in & out BY HERSELF--YOU GO, GIRL!!!!!
Give everyone a hug from us!!!!!!
LOVE YA'Ll!!!!!!!!! Mom

Redlefty said...

Over-dramatic?!? Me?!? Never!

Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my shoes. In the dark. In the cold. In the rain. Where the world is against you... sniff...

Lisa said...

I totally followed your "inner dialogue" - it's probably my age and era of following baseball but my mind's eye always pictures Steve Garvey's forearms when you talk of baseball players guns -

~aj~ said...

Maybe Jamie's actually the one in the minority because I'm totally following you as well.

I'm notorious for doing that kind of thing all the time. It even happens in my thing makes me think of something else which makes me think of something else. Throw in the inability to censor what I'm thinking and I end up with some really crazy dreams. :)

Redlefty said...

I'm glad we all do it. Jamie does it too, but usually I'm so lost in the conversation by that point that I just go with the flow.

At least now if I'm talking about the Astros and then veer off into vasectomy reversals, you'll all know how I got there.

FishrCutB8 said...

jim Eisenreich..BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Bob Devlin said...

I hear ya, man. There's only so many hours in the day for all these random thoughts. It's those voices that keep me going.