Hollywood's dark secret

Did you ever want to be an action movie star when you were a kid? If you said "no", chances are that you're either a woman or a liar. I'm kidding. Maybe you're just a wuss. Oops, just kidding again. Still, many young boys look up to the action heroes of their youth, and why not? According to Hollywood, here's the typical day of an action hero:

1) Wake up, ready to go save the world (no shower or bathroom trip necessary)
2) Get in sports car and tear down the street at incredible speed.
3) Report to pentagon/secret hideout/cover job.
4) Talk back to boss/caretaker/commanding officer, because you're just cool that way, and they need your awesomeness so much they'd never fire you.
5) Go save the world, without sweating or breathing heavily. While you're at it, you save an incredibly attractive woman too. She's very appreciative.
6) Take the rest of the day off to grimace, raise eyebrows, and walk in slow motion to the beat of a thumping soundtrack.

You would think that the average Joe would never have a chance of becoming an action hero in the movies, right? Well, after months of tedious research, I have finally found the secret to breaking into the role of your dreams. You'll never believe what it is. Are you ready for it? Okay, it's..... breakdancing. Yep, breakdancing, the sweet 1980s craze marked by bad music, worse clothing, and semi-gymnastic moves preferrably performed on top of a collapsed cardboard box. It usually looks a little something like this:



What does this have to do with movie stars? Well, it just so happens that two of the biggest action heroes of the last 15 years -- Jean-Claude Van Damme and Vin Diesel -- both started out their film careers with breakdancing. JCVD was first seen in a cameo in the opening scene of "Breakin'" in 1984. Granted, he was only in the movie for about three seconds, but even then you could tell he was something special. After all, how many guys can pull off the "solid black leotard with white socks and black shoes" look, even in the 80s? See link below for proof of his fledgling hero incredibiliciosity (hold the "Shift" key while clicking on the link if you want to open up a new page):

JCVD cameo in "Breakin'"

Vin Diesel, though, has admittedly been a bigger star thus far, and with more range to boot. He's done drama (Saving Private Ryan, A Man Apart), explosive action (XXX, Pitch Black) and even comedy (The Pacifier). Even at a young age, you could tell Diesel was going to go higher and farther than JCVD. While the "muscles from Brussels" had his breakdancing cameo, Vin Diesel actually made an instructional video on how to breakdance. Below is a link to proof (it's a video file, so it may take a while to load).

Vin Diesel's instructional video

This is all such an encouragement for guys like me. All this time I thought that Hollywood was out of reach due to my lithe frame, freckles and imperfect cheekbones. But I can do the helicopter, the backspin and the kip-up, all while wearing parachute pants and a headband. And apparently that's exactly what it takes to become an action hero. Look for me in "The Analyst", coming never to a theater nowhere near you.