Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Update from Bloodshot, USA

The Rough

I can honestly say I don't ever remember being this sick. I'm on day five of fever, congestion, raw throat and nasty eyes. My body is beginning to feel a little bit better, but the sinus trouble and eyes haven't improved at all. And since it's all viral, there's really nothing that can be done other than wait this thing out. I am on a Z-pack (Azithromycin), Allerx Dose Pack and antihistamine eye drops, but was told that these mostly qualify as medicines that "can't hurt", rather than something that will definitely help. I was honored to get the Z-pack, though. Hey, if it's good enough for Chlamydia, it's good enough for me.

The official diagnosis was fairly simple -- everybody in my family had a virus, but it resulted in slightly different symptoms for everybody. For me, I got sinusitis, rhinitis, and conjunctivitis (pinkeye) in both eyes. Oh... did I forget to mention? Yesterday the opthamologist noted that my right eye was already showing unmistakable signs of the infection. Today it's beet red just like the other eye.

Jamie said that my picture from the last post doesn't really do my eyes justice, as they really look a lot worse than that. You'll just have to take her word for it, because I don't plan on taking another picture to save this for posterity.

The Fun

In my travels to doctors and pharmacies over the past couple of days, I've worn my sunglasses at all times. It's just easier to hide these nasty eyes from view, to avoid the awkward questions or disgusted reactions from people.

I've found, though, that a precisely timed lowering of the sunglasses can have a dramatic effect on a conversation. Below are some examples, and at least two of them actually happened:

Me: My name's Michael Wilson, I'm here to see a doctor.
Receptionist: What seems to be the trouble?
Me: (Lowers sunglasses briefly)
Receptionist: (Rolls backward in her chair)... Ooooookay. Please fill out this form.

Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I'd like to fill these three prescriptions.
Pharmacist: Oh... sorry, we don't carry those eye drops here. But I can fill the other two. Do you really need the eye drops tonight, or can you wait a day or two for me to order it?
Me: (Lowers sunglasses briefly)
Pharmacist: Whoa. Right. I'll get on the phone right now and call every pharmacy in the area until I find it.

Lady: Hey, hot stuff. There's nothing sexier than a tall, redheaded man wearing sunglasses indoors. How about we go back to my place for a while?
Me: (Lowers sunglasses briefly)
Lady: (Screams, vomits and faints)
Me: That's what you get for propositioning a married man, temptress.


I had some big plans at work and in the gym this week, but that's all on hold for a while. The YMCA probably wouldn't let me in anyway. Looks like I'll just keep taking it easy and try to help the healing process along as fast as possible.

One big upside of this is that I got to buy an eyepatch to put on at night, to keep me from clawing at these itchy eyelids in my sleep. So I look like a pirate at bedtime, which is cool.

Last night I slept in the den, sitting upright in our big, padded chair. Laying down flat just clogs up my head and makes my snoring so bad that Jamie can't get any rest. So imagine the scene last night: I was in the den, in the dark, sitting in the chair and wearing an eyepatch.

I almost wished that someone would try to break in our back door, only to find some crazy dude with an eyepatch waiting for them.

"Arrrrr! You here to plunder? You gotta go through me first, you scurvy dog!"

And if that didn't work, I could always turn on the light and lower the eyepatch.


Bob Barbanes said...

Hilarious, Michael! It *is* Michael, right? Did you "out" yourself or was that just a Sudafed-name? Anyway, sorry you're not feeling well, however I'm glad you've kept your sense of humor.

But, question: Now that the conjunctiv-eye-tis has infected both peepers, shouldn't you really be sleeping with *two* eyepatches? Imagine a burglar breaking in only to be confronted by a "two-patch pirate." Now THERE is a story I'd like to hear!

Get well soon, k?

Redlefty said...

Yes, my name's actually Michael Wilson. There are only about 2 million American men with that name, so I still haven't really outed myself.

Well, even though the eyes look the same, only the left one feels irritated and swollen. Which makes me want to scratch it at night, hence the eyepatch. The right one looks nasty but feels normal, so I trust I won't dig into it at night.

Double eyepatch would rock! Maybe I should drive around town with that today.

Bob Barbanes said...

Megaloi: Double eyepatch would rock! Maybe I should drive around town with that today.

Don't forget the sunglasses! Can you imagine?

COP: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

YOU: (Lowering sunglasses and revealing *two* eye patches) No officer, I don't. I can't see the speedometer too clearly. Can you tell me?

Redlefty said...

Good one! The jokes are virtually infinite!

COP: Do you know how fast you were going?

ME: (Lowering sunglasses and revealing two eye patches). Wait a minute... you mean I'm in a car?!? That explains everthing! Thank you!

Roland said...

Heads up! In "Knocked Up," we learned that you get pink eye when someone farts in your pillow.

Since you don't have a tattoo, I'd keep the eyepatch, even when you're better. A guy's gotta have this thing...

MamaRose said...

SO SORRY you're EVEN sicker & also 'sorry' about your name--really, at the time we knew of NO OTHER 'Michael Wilson'!!!!!!!!!

AND, you might want to ask a Dr./someone, even a Pharmacist IF STEROID EYE DROPS would help--because I've finally got some & they're the FIRST thing that has helped my red, ITCHY, 'allergy' eyes!!!! Feel free to TELL them ABOUT ME/them!!!

You be careful, now, even as SMART as you are, I would think you would need AT LEAST ONE EYE UNcovered to drive, right???!!! No matter HOW funny the Cop might think that is--or isn't.

NOW, your Dad has a FEVER that's come & gone--mainly stayed--the last 2 days & we don't have ANY idea what it's from--MAYBE he'll go to our Dr. tomorrow & TRY to FIND OUT--I HOPE SO!!! I did check him for ticks & didn't find any!!!

Hope you're doing ok down there 'BY YOURSELF'! WE LOVE YOU! Mom

~aj~ said...

You and your friends are too funny. ;)

Hope the conjunctivitis goes away soon and you can start feeling better!

PS I tagged you for a meme today. :)