Thursday, September 27, 2007

It's fun to stay at the... (all together, now)... YMCA!

Jamie and the kids have headed out of town for a few days, so prepare to see daily posts here until Monday.

I got quite a few comments/emails about the naked YMCA guy last time around. You don't know the half of it. There are just so many more YMCA stories to tell, so here are a handful more.

Let's start where we left off in the last post: nakedness. There are no less than three habitual nudists at our local YMCA. All in their 70s, all black men. It's probably just coincidence. They spend hours just sitting and hanging out naked in the small locker room area. I think they're lonely and like talking to people, and if they were dressed if would be hard to find an excuse to just sit in there. But obviously, if they're naked, they have to stay.

I'm not so naive that I would deny there are men who are at the YMCA to "hook up". I mean, good grief, the title of this post is a Village People song. But if that's what these guys are going for, they're going to have to stay there a lot longer than a few hours to increase their odds.

Continuing with the nudity theme, there are two other guys lately who have used the wall-unit hair dryer on their entire body. The last one was on Tuesday, and he didn't miss a square inch of his frame. I had Jack in the locker room with me, and little Jack normally spends his time there opening the lockers, going inside, and closing them on himself. But even he was hopelessly distracted by the hairy asian man bent over at the waist, holding a hair dryer behind himself.

That's the predicament of my YMCA visits. The exercise has physical benefits, but the locker room puts me at risk for mental illness.

You want more stories? Okay. You asked for it.

Two weeks ago I was in the locker room when an elderly Jewish man walked in (he was wearing a yarmulke). He was wearing a shirt with a huge picture of Cosmo Kramer, the character from the show Seinfeld. This discussion ensued:

Me: I like your shirt!
Him: WHAT!?? (he was evidently hard of hearing)
Me: I LIKE YOUR SHIRT!!
Him: DO YOU HAVE RED HAIR???
Me: Uhh.... yes?
Him: I MET YOUR WIFE UPSTAIRS!
Me: Okay?
Him: I WAS HAVING TROUBLE AND SHE HELPED ME!
Me: That's nice. Sounds like her.
Him: SHE HAS TWO SMALL CHILDREN. BROWN HAIR.
Me: Yep, that's her.
Him: ARE YOU DRINKING MILK?
Me: Yes.
Him: DOES A BODY GOOD, RIGHT?
Me: Uh huh.

Then yesterday, we had this conversation:

Him: I HAVEN'T SEEN RAIN FOR A FEW DAYS. HAVE YOU?
Me: Well, my wife said it rained some on the southwest side of town, yesterday afternoon.
Him: (blank stare)
Me: (blank stare)
Him: I SAID RAY!!!! RAY!!! THE GUY WHO DRIVES THE ROLLS ROYCE! HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?
Me: Sorry, I misheard you. I don't know Ray.
Him: THE GUY WHO DRIVES THE ROLLS?
Me: Haven't seen him.

We were interrupted by his cell phone ringing. More ensued:

Him: HELLO?!
Him: I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I'M HANGING UP NOW!
Him: I SAID I CAN'T HEAR YOU SO I'M HANGING UP.
Him: I'M HANGING UP.

He hung up as another guy walked in. This is a 40yo black guy (as seen as the "fit man" in this previous post) who's pretty high on himself. So now we have a redhead, a black guy and a Jew in the locker room. Sounds like the start of a joke, doesn't it? It was.

Mr. Fit saw deaf man and said, "Hey, I've got a joke for you. I was watching Discovery channel, and there were hieroglyphics on a cave wall, and nobody could translate them. There were four pictures -- a cross, a cow, a donkey and a hen."

(Oh, crap, I thought. This genius is telling a joke with a cross, to a Jew. Bad juju. He proceeded.)

"Nobody could translate it. Finally, one guy said, 'I've got it!' The four pictures mean, 'Holy cow, look at the ass on that chick!'

Can't wait to see what happens tomorrow.

4 comments:

Bob Barbanes said...

I thought health clubs had rules about cell phones in locker rooms? Can't say I fancy someone with a cell phone camera snapping pictures of me and Little Bob. (My son, for all of you with your minds in the gutter.)

What is it with old people and their cell phones? I was in Books-A-Bazillion the other day (Little Bob stayed home to play with his, umm, Wii...I think...). I was minding my own business at the magazine section in the back of the store, looking for the latest copy of Pun & Sarcasm (Redneck Edition). There's a library-ish quality to bookstores for some reason. Then some old guy's cell phone rang. Loudly. He'd selected an "old-time-y" ringtone that sounded like one of those old, heavy, black rotary-dial Bell phones. It was strange, hearing a "real" phone ring again.

"HELLO," he yelled, loud enough for the cashiers in front to hear. To a man, we all turned and looked.
"HELLO?" he yelled, even louder. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU! WHAT? NO, THIS ISN'T HIM! WHAT NUMBER WERE YOU CALLING? NO, THIS IS XXX-XXXX. GOOD-BYE."

I could rant on and on about cell phones, and frequently do in my own blog. Glad to know I'm not the only one who finds certain cell phone behavior odd. Still, I sure don't want to see one in a locker room - at least not pointed in my direction.

Redlefty said...

Never thought about the camera thing before. Nasty.

There was a guy talking loudly on a cell phone at the funeral I attened this weekend. That's class.

~aj~ said...

Great stories! You must continue with the sharing. I'm getting quite a kick out of these!

MamaRose said...

I JUST LOVE your 'Y' stories, Bud!

Even I know better than to TRY to tell a joke to a Jewish man with a 'cross' in it!!!!!

I was TRYING to let a woman driving her teenage daughter 'in'/turn left in front of me, since the line in front of my light was almost 'back' to me, so it would save her time & SINCE SHE & HER DAUGHTER, BOTH, WERE ON THEIR CELL PHONES, NEITHER ONE OF THEM SAW ME--stopping & WAVING them to their LEFT!!!!!!!!! That was frustrating to me--TRYING to be nice/'do the right thing' while driving & NOT ABLE TO because of CELL PHONES!!!!!!!!! WHEW!!!!!
I could do without them--but, they DO 'serve' a GOOD service from time to time!!! LOVE YA, Mom